Jokes

                                                                    Jokes
     Hey everybody!
It is time to get your laugh on!
I have learned in my years of doing stand up comedy, that people can be offended by anything! So, if you are offended by anything, do not read these jokes.
I will try to credit the author of these jokes where possible. It is very difficult to do, because jokes have been around so long.
There are endless variations on themes, and actual jokes. Even in cases, where you know who told the joke, did they tell it originally?
Also many comedians have writers. Does anyone know who actually wrote the joke, they made famous?
Well, ok alright, then, yeah baby yeah!
Here goes. If you have any clean jokes, please email them to me.
Henny Youngman
I asked my wife where she wanted to go on our Anniversary. She said “take me somewhere I’ve never been.” I took her to the kitchen.
We always hold hands, if I let go she shops.
My wife will buy anything marked “down.”     Last week she bought an escalator.
She has an electric blender, electric bread maker, and an electric toaster. Then she said “there are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”

So what do I do, I bought her an electric chair.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Three weeks ago she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
I came home and the car was in the dinning room. I said “how did you get the car in here?” She said “it was easy; I took a left at the kitchen.”
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulls her over & asks where she was going. She says. “I don’t know, but I must be late, because everyone’s coming back.”
Then she calls me & tells me the car isn’t running well. She says there is water in the carburetor. I asked her where she was, she said in the lake.
She was in the beauty shop for two hours, that was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days, and then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck yelling “am I too late for the garbage!” .They yelled back, “no hop in!”
Two guys go into a health club; one is putting on panty hose. “Since when did you start wearing panty hose?” “Since my wife found them in my glove compartment.”
A dumb terrorist was sent to blow up a car, but burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.
Another time he locked his keys in his car, it took him almost an hour to get his wife out. I saw him, & asked him “why he had a bandage on each ear.” He said “I was ironing and the phone rang.” “What about the other ear?” “I had to call the doctor.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother -n- law to the airport.
My son always complains about headaches, “I keep telling him, when you jump out of bed, it’s feet first!”
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
My wife and I have a secret for making our marriage last. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole my credit cards, but I won’t report it. The thief spends much less than my wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps coming back!
I’m a water sign, my wife is an Earth sign, together we make mud.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank, in Chicago he’s Earnest.
A man pulls up to the curb, and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No says the cop.” “What about all these other cars?”
“They didn’t ask.”
A man is at the bar drunk. I pick him off the floor, & offer to take him home. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When I get to his house, I help him out of his car, & he falls down four more times.
I ring his front door bell, and say “here’s your husband.” The wife says “Great, where’s his wheelchair?”
A man calls a lawyers office .The phone is answered “Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, and Schwartz.”
The man says “let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.” “He’s on a big case, he’s not here.” “Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.” “Sorry he’s on vacation?” “Then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.”

“He’s playing golf.” “Then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.” He says “Speaking.”
“Hey, Henny what’s the latest dope on Wall street?” “My son!”
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
The more, I think of you, the less I think of you.
A woman is taking a shower, when she hears a knock at the door. “Who is it? “Blind man!”
The woman opens the door.
“Where do you want these blinds, mam?”
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so we would know what kind of work he is out of.
His first job was a life guard at a car wash.
My brother-n-law was a karate expert. He joined the army. The first time he saluted he killed himself.
A person asked me, “how do you prepare for show business?”. I replied It takes a lot of training. I went to diction school. You, learn to speak clearly with a mouth full of marbles. Gradually you take a few marbles out; when you have lost all your marbles…
A dumb man got stuck on a broken escalator for two hours. I asked him why didn’t you just walk down. He said, “Because I was going up.”
I like golf .The other day I broke 70.That’s a lot of clubs!
The other day I was going on a television show. In my dressing room there was a little peephole to the super models dressing room next door. I let her look.
A bum came up to me, & said “Give me $10.00 until payday.” I said “When is payday?” “He said, I don’t know, you are the one with the job!”
He came up to me the next day, & said “I haven’t eaten in two days.” I said “You should force yourself?” He said come on; I haven’t tasted food all week.” I said don’t worry, it still taste the same.” He said ‘could you at least give me $300.00 for a cup of coffee?”
I said “coffee is only like a $1.00.” He said” “yeah, I know, but I want to drink it in Brazil.”
Walking down the street, I found a mans hand in my pocket .I said “Hey buddy, what are you doing?” He said “I need a match.”
I replied “A match, why didn’t you just ask me?” He said, “I don’t talk to strangers.”
AT THE RACE TRACK: I played a great horse yesterday; it only took seven horses to beat him.
This horse was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horses jockey was hitting him. The horse turns around and says.” why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us.”
That was the first time I saw a horse start from the kneeling position. (Maybe he was praying).
He was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

HOTELS: The last hotel I stayed at there was a woman banging on my door all night. Finally, I got up and let her out.
I have a lovely room and bath. It is a little inconvenient; they are in two different buildings!
This is an elegant hotel. Room service has an unlisted number.
My room was so small the mice were hunchbacked. When I put the key in I broke the window.
DOCTORS: The patient says “doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this.” The doctor says “Then don’t do that.”
The doctor says, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.” The patient says, “What good will that do.” The doctor says, “I’m mad at my neighbor.” But doctor, my leg hurts what I can do. “Limp.” “Okay, doctor, but what about this ringing in my ears?” “Do not answer.”